My daughter turns 13 next week. A teenager.
What my wife and I are interested in doing is building a “wall of wisdom”. A collection of ideas and sayings from people we’ve come across in our physical and virtual sojourn.
If you could tell a teenager one thing, what would it be? Because we’re actually building something we’d like whatever you write to be short enough to put on a note card of some sort.
Oh. Feel free to link to this…I’m interested in getting responses from as many people as I can.
Lester: I like this, looking forward to the responses you get. May I offer the following (my girls, 16 & 17 have heard this a lot lately! {smile})…
“Be careful of what you ask for, because you just might get it.”
“Your father loves you such that he won’t kill you over a mistake, no matter how big you think it is.”
Always be aware of your surroundings.
People: Hear what they say, but watch what they do.
Great topic. Running into this ourselves, with Gwynneth being 12.
One Nietzsche quote kept me going for that decade: “One must have chaos within oneself to give birth to a dancing star.”
1. Your parents are the best friends you will ever get. And by not being your ‘ friend’ right now, and being your parents, they are giving you a precious gift. In 10 years, they really WILL be your best friends.
2. YOU are precious and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
3. No matter what a guy tells you, if it feels wrong TO YOU, then DON’T DO IT. He’ll live to see another day.
Practice listening,when you talk your not learning
1.”You are my favorite people in the whole world. ”
2. I know you think you are going crazy, but you are not. You are realizing the pain of knowing better. It’s going to make you cry because you have a good heart. But over time you’ll cry less because you’ll have a strong heart. When your heart is strong, you’ll be a comfort to people, the same way I’m trying to comfort you.
—
This is kind of the thing I find myself saying to Scholar and it’s really kind derived from that little aphorism in Akeela and the Bee that starts “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate…” I had Boy memorize that and I remind my kids all the time to observe what their peers say and then what they actually do. We’ve had enough instances where kids turn out to be fake so that my kids are prepared and make character judgments all the time.
So when I ask my kids what they most dislike in people it’s almost uniformly that they dislike people who break promises, who lie, who are fake or untrustworthy. I think that sense in them is highly developed. And so I tell them that this understanding is what makes them to be leaders – when they have the courage to do the right thing, or speak the truth when others around them are faking. And it comes down to the words of that poem. “There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us”.
Interestingly enough, I haven’t had to encourage them to be humble.
Hey, I almost forgot one of my favorites that I’ve been using for years with my girls. The ol’ saying made famous by Telly Savalas from the ‘Kojak’ TV series:
“Who loves ya, baby?”
They always had to answer back, “You!”
(The funny thing is it wasn’t until they were about 11 or 12 and happened to see an old Kojak rerun on TV that they ever realized where I got that from {smile})
This was left at Mirror On America:
CarlBrannen said…
There are certain things that an uncle can tell his nieces and nephews that parents never can. It all boils down to the fact that being a parent is a form of temporary insanity. It is temporary in that it lasts for one lifetime, more or less.
Because of this, children at around the age 13 to 20 or so, end up concluding that their parents are somehow twisted and can’t tell the truth. They sometimes conclude that their parents are unable to speak truthfully.
In fact, this is probably not the case. Their parents can speak truthfully to other people’s children, just not their own.
This is a bizarre fact about the world, but eventually you will become a parent and you will do it the same way.
So speaking as a non parent, let me tell you that if you are the cream of the crop, you should try to avoid drugs and alcohol because these things will dull your sharp edge. And you need that edge because the world is a viciously competitive place.
And if you’re not the cream of the crop, you should know that from everything I’ve ever seen, stupid people get stupider when they use these things.
And always remember that even though it may appear that becoming a “success” is an impossible climb from where you are now, the world does have a place for you, and you will eventually find that place. You will stumble on to it, or you will seek it, but you will find it.
So keep your dreams and let time grow you up naturally. No need to grow up overnight, which is what will happen if you get pregnant.f
P.S. Thanks for letting me say this.
life is whats happening while you are making other plans – John Lennon
I was pointed to this post by tgrundy. This is such a fabulous idea and I am honored to add my love to this ‘wall of wisdom’ for your daughter.
Here are a couple of my personal quotes…
“You are a princess with plenty of time to become a queen. No matter how easy your parents make it seem, being an adult is a lot more responsibility than it is fun — don’t rush it.”
“No young man loves you more than your daddy. Whether you are 13 or 31 or older, there is always comfort and protection in daddy’s arms — you can always rely on him.”
Also, if she doesn’t know it already, have her learn ‘Our Deepst Fear’ by Marianne Williamson.
BTW, give her an extra happy born day hug from a fellow Scorpio and November baby. Congratulations to you and your wife also.
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Watch…..,
Now you do it.
Enjoy your dad and treasure him…no man will ever treat you better.
being the older brother of two sisters, now 18 and 20, i can share with you what i tell them…
1.) make school come first. young love in high school and college is great, but challenge yourself to put it as priority number 4 and 5 UNTIL school is complete. if he really loves you, he’ll want the same.
2.) always keep your head, even when all about you are losing theirs.
3.) being a black woman is not easy, but nothing WORTH doing ever is.
4.) no matter how bad it gets or may seem, you ALWAYS have a home to come to. you can ALWAYS count on me when you need to pick up the phone and talk to someone.
I like #13…LOL! That will be the first talk when my little one gets old enough. Way to go cnulan!
Dr. Spence, I’ll add one that is a little more blunt and you and your wife will have to decide the approporiate way to phrase and present it to your daughter. It’s my version of the sex talk.
I know everybody in today’s world thinks abstinence is a joke but I don’t care what people think. I preach it anyway. After all it is the only proven pregnancy and STD prevention method in human history.
Anyway, tell her that she isn’t too have sex until she’s married because that’s a realm and activity reserved for married people only.
Want a blunt, catchy phrase for memorization purposes? (1) Tell her to keep her legs closed and her panties pulled up. Then (2) tell her to tell any boy who likes her to keep his penis in his pants.
Want to help her avoid the stupid stuff her friends may say or try with boys? (3) Tell her a boy’s penis is not to go into her mouth – young people don’t think blow jobs qualify as sex – or into her vagina.
Each of these points are reserved for her and her future husband because of all the reasons outlined in the previous paragraphs.
Great idea doc. This is a wisdom project we should all adopt.
A boy will tell you anything to get into your panties. I know, I used to be one.
Hey Prof Spence,
Congratulations to your daughter! She’s well on her way to becoming a young woman. Here are my two cents:
“You don’t have to do certain things or act or dress a certain way because your friends do. There is a tradeoff to every decision you make- make sure you’ve carefully weighed the gains and losses before you make a decision.”
“You are your own person- stay true to yourself. There is nothing wrong with being independent or different from your friends.”
“Always feel comfortable in talking with your parents about anything- good and bad. Friends may come and go but family is forever. Your family is and will always be there for you.”
“School first, and boys second. At 13, you’ve got plenty of time for dating later in life. There is nothing wrong with waiting. You also want to make sure you’re dating (and everything else you’re doing) for the right reasons.”
That’s all I got- congratulations to your daughter!
Save your money!
Never have sex with someone you wouldn’t share a toothbrush with.
Oddly, I’ve found that framing it this way really gets it across to teenage girls.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Self-esteem is so very important during the teen years and I think this quote can carry a teen a long way. It has worked for me for many, many years and I am no longer a teenager.(smiles)
“I’ve never been more fearful, or more hopeful. Sometimes I will only see the worst possibilities, even though I’m hoping for the best outcome. At those times, you’ll have to accept that I’m just being a father. But even when you believe you’re at your worst, I will always see the best in you. You can always confide in me. I’ll never stop accepting you as my daughter.”
“The wisest (wo)man realizes he knows nothing at all”
-Erykah Badu
“People are not as smart as they think they are”
-My Mom
“The only thing that someone cannot take away from you is your education” -My Grandma
“The only thing that you can’t do is what you don’t want to do”
-My Grandma
The same thing that my Dad told me when I walked out the door with friends…is the same thing that I tell my kids now…”Remember your name is…” Mufasa from “The Lion King” also told his son…”Remember who you are…”
Keep your own counsel. Go your own way. Trust what you know to be true and let nothing sway you as if you are some kind of fool. –Babz
I am the mother of 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls.
thanks to everyone…please keep them coming!
“You can’t tell what’s in a pickle barrel until you take off the lid”
– anonymous Warner Bros. cartoon
“I tell my students to ‘be water’. Water is the most powerful substance on earth. You can not punch water, yet it can erode the biggest rock. Water is formless… shapeless. When you put water into a kettle, it becomes the kettle. When you put it into a cup, it becomes the cup. Water can flow, water can break, water can drip, water can crash. My advice? Be water.”
– Bruce Lee
“Follow Your Heart”
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” –nelson mandela
“A buckeye is just a crazy nut.” –anon
pimp the system, don’t let the system pimp you.
i.e. take advantage of every opportunity to achieve/experience something that you come across. When there seems like there seems to be no opportunity there, be creative and make one for yourself.
1. [Our then 4-yr old daughter, Elise, to my wife, Rebecca] … Well, you’re not my friend anymore! [Rebecca to Elise] I’m something better than that, I’m your mother! Now, do what I told you to do.
2. [Caurnel to our daughters Elise (5 yrs old) and Natalia (2 yrs old) at bedtime.] Its alright to close your eyes and go to sleep. We’ll still love you while you are sleeping. We’ll be here when you wake up, and we’ll love you then.
3. You learn to love listening to both Anotonin Dvorak’s “Symphony No. 9, 3rd Movement” and James Brown’s “You Can Have Watergate (Just Gimme Some Bucks and I’ll Be Straight)”.
Don’t miss today while you’re dreaming about tomorrow. Maybe you feel that you just can’t wait until you’re older, but there are many adults who wish they could have their younger years back. Just enjoy and appreciate being 13 while you can.
My father taught me two very important lessons that I actually end up applying almost every day: “You never get something for nothing” and “Be brave.”
I encourage my students to create options and be prepared to make the most of them. Better to create and then make the choice then to have someone else make it for you.
When you are elderly and your mind starts to go what will remain is your strongest memories, the ones you’ve played over and over in your mind – good AND bad – so make sure you create as many good ones as possible!
And finally, read everything and travel everywhere!
A good decision gets you one step ahead.
A good decision after that gets you 2 1/2 steps ahead.
A good decision after that gets you 5 steps ahead.
A bad decision gets you one step behind.
A bad decision after that, most likely to “correct” the bad mistake you just made, gets you 4 steps behind.
A bad decision after that, most likely to “correct” the past 2 mistakes, gets you 8 steps behind.
More work is always required to correct a bad step. Try your best to minimize the bad steps.
The more you learn, the more you will realize what you don’t know. Remember that when you think you “know it all.”
Older people are “smarter” because they have more experience. Experience is the best teacher. Those who are experienced, are the next best teachers.
If you don’t believe in yourself, others have no reason to believe in you.
Happy (belated) Birthday Kenyatta!
My apologies that I am so late in observing your birthday! (You would probably give me the advice, ‘remember my birthday on time next year!’ 🙂 smile.)
Seriously, my advice follows along my mantra in life:
“True happiness has no schedule, and often no agenda.”
This simply means that be mindful of being on time but try and not live your life according to the clocks of others. If we judge ourselves by the clocks of others we are bound to be in the wrong place at the wrong time no matter how we feel about our own dreams. Just follow you own rthymn, after you’ve listened to the advice of others, and you are bound to never be out of step.
Sincerely, Todd Shaw
Don’t worry about what you’re wearing, just make the scene. when you look back you won’t even REMEMBER what you had on. you’ll cherish what HAPPENED. and twenty years from now, every outfit you rock today will look totally ridiculous anyway. you’re beautiful, accept that, don’t fret over it, move on to DOING things, not fretting over things.
if people dissapoint you, don’t take that as a total dis. understand that people only give things of a quality and character that they are capable of. and people constantly change and grow, a lot depends on when and where they enter your life.cherish all love because you inspire and deserve that love. understand, though, that the love is only as good as the lover. surround yourself with people of high quality for that reason.
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